Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
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I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I’ve been drinking.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
bury ourselves
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR