Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
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You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.