Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
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Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.