Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
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Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
he’s doing your taxes
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc