@TheSepticHermit: Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
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@ericsshadow: FBI: If you testify you'll have to go into the Witness Protection Program ME: I'll do it FBI: Your wife and kids too ME: Oh ok never mind
@Death_Buddy: *gets summoned to the spider court* YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS HOW DO YOU PLEAD? *places glass over spider judge*
@UncleDuke1969: Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up? Me: Yeah. Wife: Good. Me: Why? Wife: No reason. Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: Here, taste this.
@BastardProphet: 90% of parenting, is saying different variations of "We don't eat waffles with our feet".