Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
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[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
What if all the cashiers are married?
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
I put the mess in domestic.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮