Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
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this has to be peak English
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
getting corrected
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration