Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
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Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?