Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
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LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Just grow your own
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting