I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
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I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
What my back needs
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
accurate
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent