Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
You Might Also Like
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Don’t snitch tag.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.