Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
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A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together