Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
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“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.