Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
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every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
i can’t wait that long
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
He’s dead
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day