@PORNOPINION: Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, "there's plenty more married men out there."
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@UrFavAsianGuy: I ate my dog because it ate my homework. Just kidding, I ate it because I'm Asian.
@Joshuawbenson: PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS: When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms. I call it Lip palm. It's free.
@FatherWithTwins: *young woman walks by Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don't you think? Me: NO WAY, I'M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT