@PORNOPINION: Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, "there's plenty more married men out there."
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@timdonakowski: I should've been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.
@Manda_like_wine: Always buy 'hand wash only' shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a 'hand wash only' basket for 15 years.
@sixthformpoet: It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
@SuperJuanderer: If I was a villain, I would follow superheroes to their normal human interviews for jobs & note what they answer as their biggest weaknesses