Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
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“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Always
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating