Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
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“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
New tinder profile pic
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.