Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
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My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN