Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
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horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
…u ok Nintendo?
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Someone just threatened to call me later
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
me refusing to leave twitter
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.