I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
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Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Deer are just ballerina dogs
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.