You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
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I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
*puts my mental health in rice
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing