The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
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There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
R.I.P.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?