I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
You Might Also Like
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no