Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
You Might Also Like
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
That was easy.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel