Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
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you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.