Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
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My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me