Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
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Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Try and stop me.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
why I oughta
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
2022 will be better than 2021
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.