Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
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My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*