[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
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I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw