The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
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Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
X-tra spooky blend
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
me linking you to my twitter
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.