*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
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A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.