*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
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A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?