I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
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It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark