walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
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Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
WWE is French for “yes”
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
who called it hell and not heaven’t
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?