Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
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Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.