[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
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I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.