*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
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I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.