@Ideal_Victoria: *tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
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@amishschool: Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class: "OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS."
@sannewman: If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
@theshamingofjay: The Walmart app just updated on my phone and now water autocorrects to soda and exercise autocorrects to Doritos and beer.
@behindyourback: If you suddenly stand up and shout "IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE" you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.