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ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.