I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
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If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica