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@Awk0Tacoo: *Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
@jazmasta: [hitting on hot babe in bar]
".. You're 28? NO WAY! I used to be 28! This is spooky. You like oxygen? OMG you're not gonna believe this.."
@errdayhustlah: According to my neighbor's rooster, it's 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor's rooster, we're having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
@Mr_Kapowski: 8 year old daughter: I wish I had been born a twin
Me: You were a very hungry fetus-
Wife: Ok that's enough time with Dad for today
@Ristolable: First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks "is that your puppy?" say "No. That's my dad." Then storm off.
@adamochoa: freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door