*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
You Might Also Like
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here