*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
You Might Also Like
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
(Electricians.)
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
A ghost story
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red