*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
You Might Also Like
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair