*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
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“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift