More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
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Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Friday
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.