*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
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The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Only short people can save us
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Cha-ching is my safe word
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket