*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
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THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Sign of the day..
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.