so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
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fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
tourist season
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.