ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
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Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Simple
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.