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Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.