How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
You Might Also Like
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.