Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
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The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Mad Max: Furry Road
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I miss this era type of pranks😭
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table