*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
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I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?