*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
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Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Baking is just science you can eat.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Twitter is an abusement park.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up